starscreamthefirst

  

It's a thought that tugs at my mind. A secret perhaps we are not meant to know, one simply not remembered, or something that our collection of thoughts refuses to let surface. Every now and then that question comes to mind, about more than just life, but about death. By this I mean more than just knowing how I died, but what happened after. Theres some things I wish I knew about that and to what effect the life I lived had. Though maybe thats just selfishness on my part, but who am I to be perfect in that regard?

There was a dream I once had about dying. I can't forget it, however I did not ultimately meet my demise then. If I'm not mistaken in my hazy recall it had something to do with Unicron. If not then it was some other large opposing threat. Not a combiner or a titan.. and not an autobot or decepticon. That I am quite sure of. Regardless of what it was, there was a moment where I had 'died'. Yet it wasn't true death. More so what I could compare to some stories of humans having what you could call a life or death experience. That seems most accurate to what happened at that time.

In my collection of it, I was grasped in the servo of the towering foe, clinging on just barely. Yet as ever as I was stubborn and willing to grind my denta plates, I hung onto what strength I had left. Giving up just is and was never something in my nature. A trait of mine that went both ways to others seeing as a good or bad thing, but one I pride myself on. Even in this situation I stubbornly clung to life, but even stubbornness couldn't stop the pressure on my spark. And in a brief flicker it did give in.

That moment filled with a sharp striking pain. One from within myself, and another from a forlorn spark mine was bonded to. It was like no other feeling I had before, immense pain followed by emptiness. I felt hollow and lifeless before things suddenly jumped to third perspective. I looked down at myself, still clutched and crushed in my opponents servo, colors fading to gray. My attention in another snap dragged to a cry of anguish from not too far off. I'm not sure even now if I was just imagining it within that dream, or if it had truly come from the mech grasped within the foe's other servo.

My memory of it only starts to get fuzzier after this point. There is a totally blank moment missing between where I was at point A to the instantaneous jump to point B. I was suddenly returned to my body, the sensations coming back with color; almost identical to the feeling when bloodflow returns to your limb after going numb. My spark whirred to life with vigor. Intakes sputtered to life as they recovered from the brief stall. This was soon followed by another crying out, this time instead one of relief from the adjacent em field. It flooded my own without holding back, just barely with a smidgeon of anger. How typical.

Within my memories and dreams I haven't had anything like that since. This had been the only time I have had a dream to do with my death as such, the closest I have come to experiencing something like it. I doubt I'll have any knowing to come about how I truly did die to pass on here, ands that's quite alright. I am content with that aspect.


What I strive to know with sleepless nights is what happened after I died. I can't help but wonder what I left behind, the generations after my time, whether cybertronian civilization went on, or how my sparks lives went beyond my own. That is something I wish I knew above all else. I suppose its another one of those things not meant for me to know, or for anyone whose passed on. Perhaps the knowledge would be too much for the vessel to handle. If anyone did know, then I wouldn't be asking myself though, would I?

I could continue to prattle my thoughts on this, but some things are better left unsaid. There are certain things however long ago in another lifetime that are private to myself. After all, I never was the open book type. As much as I like to talk about little old me, there are a few personal tidings kept from others for the most part. Yes, even with a mouth as big as mine, I do keep quiet on certain topics.

Those thoughts aside, there is the ever asking question on why I was reborn in the first place. Was I owed a second chance at life, or am I punished based on how mine was lived before? It could go either way, or heck, maybe it's both. I can say this however with absolute certainty, and that is that the allspark is a bunch of hooey. Am I wrong? I hardly think so, knowing that mine and other cybertronian sparks ended up here. Not that I ever believed in such nonsense. I never saw a point in thinking of such things, but maybe being occupied with real life does that to you. Of course its not something your typical Primus worshipping autobot would know anything about. It must have been nice to have free time before the war.

Here now as human I have the free time to think about things like death. I have the free time to think back on the lives I once lived. At the cost of remembering though, comes with knowing what I once was and can no longer be. Trapped in knowing in another time I did die. Somewhere that moment lives and connects to my consciousness whether I remember it or not. That state of death is one I can never escape knowing.



End Log 6.
-Starscream