2017-03-03 09:13![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starscreamthefirst
starscreamthefirstIts kind of funny, but also kind of.. well, not sad, but something else. I would generally put this down as a feeling of nostalgia, though that doesn't seem to quite cover the feeling I'm experiencing. Its an emptiness, a lack of something, a feeling that I should be doing something else even.
No, I'm not depressed, thats entirely different than this, this experience I don't quite have a word for regarding the... whatever it is that washes over me when memories surface from my life as Starscream. I suppose its a feeling not unlike the Portuguese word, "saudade". Yes.. perhaps that is the closest I will come to explaining it.
A feeling of longing for the absence of something one loves is what it means. Though love is not the sum of it I would particularly describe it as. Maybe I still lack an understanding of my own feelings as I always have. That's nothing new. Feelings and emotions have always been so foreign to me, even though I experience them daily. Or at least I believe myself to.
Regardless, I'm having one those days again. Its in the air, the atmosphere, that de ja vu feeling of times gone past. Not times from now, not times this human vessel has went through here, but ones that are inherently ones I find to be all from my time as Starscream. Yet the emotions are so human.. or at least that is all I can make of them in my current state.
Cybertronian emotions are not greatly different than that of a humans though I suppose, but again, I am not one who really understands anything of the sort. I feel now and I felt then, but paying attention to the subtleties of how I feel or felt, thats a whole other playing field to me. I'm not a psychologist. I take things very literally, and don't have as much of an abstract perception on the mind and thought.
It's time like this that I wish I knew what I felt most of the time, which makes me feel more like a machine ironically. Despite being a 'robot' cybertronians are not machines after all, which makes it so. We were people who felt, who loved, and who hated. Theres little distinction I can make from between us and humans when it comes to that psychology of our beings. I find it disturbing.
Our minds are not much different, no matter how much I regret to admit to this fact. The cognitive advance of Cybertronians is only due to our long lifespans and adept ability at recording information. Humans are only a couple of strides behind us, yet they are on the same track of destruction that we were.. but I'll stop myself there before I veer completely off topic.. This is about emotions, the human vs machine, if thats how you want to look at it. Though perhaps I am simply rambling on an unnecessary tangent. How human of me.
It makes me feel a bit better though, more grounded to who I am now. So then maybe this was necessary for my mental well being at the least. Even if I find myself processing things like a computer, its still something, I'm not an unfeeling slag of metal. I mean that with no offence of course, if there are those that function in that way. I'm only trying to make sense of myself here. Sometimes doing so at the expense of others comes without thought, which has been my unfortunate nature to deal with. A nature I try to keep under wraps.
"Saudade is deep yearning, a word which emphasizes the positive celebration more than the sadness we normally associate with what has gone."
I found this definition recently, and it seems to fit what I lack putting into words for myself, though has made it all the more easier for myself to do so. The yearning it describes for what is gone, the yearning that doesn't focus on an upset feeling of loss, but one of simple wanting. I miss what once was, but I don't feel sad over it, that's it essentially, and I'm content to know it that way. I think many of us here can associate with that; I know that I do. I guess the simple version would be to just refer to it as a homesickness, though I think saudade covers the feeling better than that, at least in my case.
I feel a saudade for the life I used to have, not in a way that I glorify it, but in one that I miss who I was and feel often that I should still be there. I guess this all started after waking up this morning and realizing that I wasn't Starscream; that I was fleshy, small, and delicate. Like the feeling when you wake from a dream and it still lingers, tugging at your heals and trying to pull you back in. That feeling.
Coping with that throughout the day, doing my best to keep it off my mind, that is what I find difficult. Things here seem so unimportant during these episodes. I know thats not the case though, and I wish my mind would keep up with that. Studying, working, drawing.. it gets so hazy and I'm distracted by it. Distracted until it passes, either by my persistent force of will or on its own.
This saudade grips me relentlessly every now and then. I've found that when it comes to it, there's not much I can do but let it run its course as I keep fighting to push it away. I won't let it disrupt my life anymore than it does, that I am sure of. I've always had my will on my side through everything, and thats what keeps me on my path. That I know will always burn strong for myself, its how I survive.
End Log 3.
-Starscream
No, I'm not depressed, thats entirely different than this, this experience I don't quite have a word for regarding the... whatever it is that washes over me when memories surface from my life as Starscream. I suppose its a feeling not unlike the Portuguese word, "saudade". Yes.. perhaps that is the closest I will come to explaining it.
A feeling of longing for the absence of something one loves is what it means. Though love is not the sum of it I would particularly describe it as. Maybe I still lack an understanding of my own feelings as I always have. That's nothing new. Feelings and emotions have always been so foreign to me, even though I experience them daily. Or at least I believe myself to.
Regardless, I'm having one those days again. Its in the air, the atmosphere, that de ja vu feeling of times gone past. Not times from now, not times this human vessel has went through here, but ones that are inherently ones I find to be all from my time as Starscream. Yet the emotions are so human.. or at least that is all I can make of them in my current state.
Cybertronian emotions are not greatly different than that of a humans though I suppose, but again, I am not one who really understands anything of the sort. I feel now and I felt then, but paying attention to the subtleties of how I feel or felt, thats a whole other playing field to me. I'm not a psychologist. I take things very literally, and don't have as much of an abstract perception on the mind and thought.
It's time like this that I wish I knew what I felt most of the time, which makes me feel more like a machine ironically. Despite being a 'robot' cybertronians are not machines after all, which makes it so. We were people who felt, who loved, and who hated. Theres little distinction I can make from between us and humans when it comes to that psychology of our beings. I find it disturbing.
Our minds are not much different, no matter how much I regret to admit to this fact. The cognitive advance of Cybertronians is only due to our long lifespans and adept ability at recording information. Humans are only a couple of strides behind us, yet they are on the same track of destruction that we were.. but I'll stop myself there before I veer completely off topic.. This is about emotions, the human vs machine, if thats how you want to look at it. Though perhaps I am simply rambling on an unnecessary tangent. How human of me.
It makes me feel a bit better though, more grounded to who I am now. So then maybe this was necessary for my mental well being at the least. Even if I find myself processing things like a computer, its still something, I'm not an unfeeling slag of metal. I mean that with no offence of course, if there are those that function in that way. I'm only trying to make sense of myself here. Sometimes doing so at the expense of others comes without thought, which has been my unfortunate nature to deal with. A nature I try to keep under wraps.
"Saudade is deep yearning, a word which emphasizes the positive celebration more than the sadness we normally associate with what has gone."
I found this definition recently, and it seems to fit what I lack putting into words for myself, though has made it all the more easier for myself to do so. The yearning it describes for what is gone, the yearning that doesn't focus on an upset feeling of loss, but one of simple wanting. I miss what once was, but I don't feel sad over it, that's it essentially, and I'm content to know it that way. I think many of us here can associate with that; I know that I do. I guess the simple version would be to just refer to it as a homesickness, though I think saudade covers the feeling better than that, at least in my case.
I feel a saudade for the life I used to have, not in a way that I glorify it, but in one that I miss who I was and feel often that I should still be there. I guess this all started after waking up this morning and realizing that I wasn't Starscream; that I was fleshy, small, and delicate. Like the feeling when you wake from a dream and it still lingers, tugging at your heals and trying to pull you back in. That feeling.
Coping with that throughout the day, doing my best to keep it off my mind, that is what I find difficult. Things here seem so unimportant during these episodes. I know thats not the case though, and I wish my mind would keep up with that. Studying, working, drawing.. it gets so hazy and I'm distracted by it. Distracted until it passes, either by my persistent force of will or on its own.
This saudade grips me relentlessly every now and then. I've found that when it comes to it, there's not much I can do but let it run its course as I keep fighting to push it away. I won't let it disrupt my life anymore than it does, that I am sure of. I've always had my will on my side through everything, and thats what keeps me on my path. That I know will always burn strong for myself, its how I survive.
End Log 3.
-Starscream
