Data Log 5 - Separation

[starscreamthefirst]

 

It’s been a while since my last journal, a while since I had the time to actually write anything down. Even now, I still don’t, as I sit here trying to put my thoughts down during my break at work. No time better than now though I suppose. I know I won’t have a better opportunity later.

 

The feeling as of late has been one of a divide, a long expanse of separation from where I belong that I desperately cling for day in and day out. It’s not a feeling of mourning or loss, but longing for certain. Every time I close my eyes I imagine I’ll open them to elsewhere. Anywhere else but in my human prison I’m subject to now. That may sound dramatic, but I can not describe this dysphoria by any other means. Feeling cosmically misplaced. Feeling uncomfortable in this body. Feeling displaced in this world. Separated. 

 

It’s difficult not to go about my day and focus, while in the back of my mind there is an itch for where I feel I should instead be. I feel like I’m forgetting something important, that theres work to be done and I’m slacking in it. Planning to be done, mechs to command, structures to be put in place that need my overseeing. Yet it’s all but gone. A ghost in my memory that haunts me through this life. Like looking at a closed door and expecting something to be behind it, that should be there waiting when it isn’t. Consistently I’m waiting to wake from this nightmare and be reunited with what was mine. My body. My world. My belonging.

 

A cybertronian trapped in a human body.. being this way must be a curse, a punishment, or a twisted gag from the cosmos. It’s one thing to be reincarnated, but to remember what once was mine is a cruelty like no other. To feel the unattainable desire to be who I was. Why? I don’t care to know the answer much than rather this blight be taken from me. I don’t want to to feel this way. Sometimes I think it’s better to forget than to go about life this way. I mean, who would ask for this?

 

The line of separation I walk each day is taking its toll. One foot in the past, and another in the present, inseparable from each other but divided like a raging tempest that fights to be whole. I am not complete in a way I can never be it seems. There is only the place within myself that I am at all.. in my my mind.. in my spirit.. and in my dreams.. though only then.

 

 

End data log 5.
-Starscream